Returning

Returning

 Ahjin Shim

The man's mother poured out the pack of apples, without appearing any exasperation on her face. Contrast to that kind of moderate gesture, the shinning red apples are falling down with a mournful noise. The easily bruised and deeply broken sound echoes in the street. The woman watches the apples tumbling down the slope helplessly. Even though he wanted to buy only ten apples, she insisted on buying twenty……. The woman had a greed saying that his mother would like the apples as she would. The reason why his mother doesn't take the apples is just there are too many apples. The woman hopes to believe that.

The apples happen to scatter busily toward their own way without any considerance of the regretful gaze of the woman.

"Mother……."

The man who has expected his mother to give hospitality to the woman like him, looks at his mother in a flurry. His pupils with no focus under the short eyelashes reveal the incompetence from what someone who has misunderstood for a long time happens to understand for the first time. He is sincere and futile like a man who is eager to remember the phone number which he can never remember. The man's mother recites the common words which are not matched for her serious voice.

"It is possible over my dead body."

The woman runs after the traces of the apples which are tumbled down. Some go to the first alley and others go to the second alley so all of them have gone out of sight. As the road is curved, no more apples can be seen. The man's house is located on the area where is indifferently high and inclined too much. Out of the twenty apples, there is nothing remained at the woman's feet. The apples which the man's mother would liked disappeared in front of the woman whom the mother doesn't like. The woman realizes that she can never get married to him.

Three years have passed.

The man marries another woman whom his mother likes.

Nobody knows whether it is because that the man loves his mother more whom he has lived together for thirty years, or he laughs at his incapacity by himself, or he feels that love is worthless in his life. Anyway the man has left the woman. The woman doesn't blame him. She gets a little rough and just a bit stronger. The man gets his house far away from the mother's house.

Another three years have passed. The woman who's married to other man doesn't eat any apple. Because she doesn't eat apples, her family doesn't eat apples either. The woman can only see apples in her dream. The haughty apple which has hidden the brown bruise swallows the time of the woman who has awaken from her dream. Sometimes the woman carves the bruise in her chest that the apples had. And sometimes she drools over the crunchy texture that the apple might give. The woman who doesn't eat apples feels odd that the same general life like other person's is held on for herself.

One day after another ten years have passed, the man holds his mother's funeral in a hall affiliated with a university. The man who thinks of the woman in front of the portrait of his deceased mother doesn't regards himself as an immoral person. Suddenly the man wonders the chases of apples which were scattered over at the meeting day of his lover and his mother. Where have the apples, having flown like water down to the sloping road, gone? The man regrets that he hasn't started to find the apples more earlier. He feels pain under his ribs which might be split. Carved pain long time ago. The scent of chrysanthemum opens the retreat path of memory which has been ambiguous till so far. The man is encroached by his old memory nakedly. Even though he wears a hemp hat for mourning on his hair getting gray, but he is not good at hiding his feelings as before.

The man visits his mother's village which he ceased to visit for a while, to find the place which he bought apples sixteen years ago. But there is not the old fruit-store any more where used to have a lot of fruits. Instead, there are a green grocery where young bachelors sell vegetables, an organic product shop, and a small super market. The man drops into here and there to buy apples. He buys about twenty apples.

His mother's house which was seen in the distance is not dignified like it used to be. It looks discouraged, as if it has already known to be sold with an unreasonable price sooner or later. However, the road is still very steep and arrogant. The man looks around very carefully, expecting to find the apples that had disappeared sixteen years ago. One of the apples might knock the sleek windows of his house. One of the apples might hide in the bookstand of his office where he obtained an especially quick promotion. And one might roll over, pretending to see nothing, by the man who had sexed or eaten dinner with the woman he married. An apple might have stopped its exhausted step at the shoes of him who'd found a profound and secluded star in the sky. Apples, inevitably, might hang around the man with repetition of appearance and disappearance. The man goes uphill and flashes upon the apples which would get lost between pale streets.

The man drops an apple from where his mother and the woman have been together. The fat and bouncy fruits are scratched in an instant following the road. For a little the apples seem to go to only one way, but immediately they scatter into a thousand ways. They are all urgent as running away from a contemptible life. There are apples, flurry, timid, running down the road. There are apples that vanish through small alleys. The alleys are too many to be bored, and the paths are curved profoundly. The man's goodness and ponderosity, meticulosity and lightness are shown on the road straightly. The man becomes angry for a moment. But he cannot resent the apples that aren't left around him for long. The man calls out the woman's name in a low, gloomy tone.

The woman is watching an unpopular movie by herself. She drinks her coffee, which is limited to only one cup a day because of the inflammation of her stomach. After all her family is sleeping, the woman listens to the story of the leaves that are wavering outside the porch window. She sees a dock-tailed cat on the flower bed, while she runs out in a hurry. She sorrowfully cries on a day when she has trimmed her nails and put on a beautiful makeup. Every day like this, she thinks about the apples that disappeared following the road. She imagines about the speed of the rolling apples, remembers the unknown road's vagueness, and is pestered by the coldness of the dead end. The woman tries not to forget where the apples are scattered upon in her whole life. That is why the woman does not eat apples.

The woman's friends looks at her funny because she wouldn't eat any apples. The woman's children were ashamed of her. Her husband often lost his temper with her because of eating no apples. The woman just eluded all these things easily. Because there's nothing more heavier than her regret in this world. Being perverse, hiding behind rationalization, or being unable to eat food out of despair, apples were what she could never forget.

Ten years have passed from the day that the man scattered the apples again to collect them. The woman didn't know, but it was enough time for the man. But the assumption that the woman doesn't know is only available if one does not consider the thing over her unconsciousness. The woman might have known where all the scattered apples meet together again finally.

Now the man and the woman are aged enough not to regard the routine surrounded with which shouldn't be in such way.

The woman decides to go to the house where the man and his mother had lived in. Since the nearly buildings have grown taller, the man's house which was seen then down the street doesn't appear yet. The woman determines to go through a small alley towards the man's house, instead of the main road. There is two neighboring stores selling fruits with apples. She passes a dressmaker's where a mannequin is standing with clothes and a hat as red as apples. When the woman turns the corner and sees the main road, she goes into another small alley across. She passes a few houses with the crabapple tree pots on their fence. The small hard particles are shining in right scale. When she reaches the skirt of the alley connected to the main road, she can see a playground which has a theme of apples. The road where the woman is walking is filled with strong apple's scent. The woman's heart is beating more than when she walked this road 26 years ago, as a 26 year old lady. Although she has passed only two small alleys now she can anticipate what's on the path that she will walk on. Even if you don't complain, cry, or exclaim in sorrow, there is a thing you can know. There is an age when you can do that. The woman can know that in this path all the apples that scattered into a thousand ways have met again. The woman laughs like the white apple flower.

Where the man, woman, and the man's mother have been standing is now occupied by a graceful apple tree. Red apples that have hidden their bluish color look at the woman boldly. The woman dyes her old and harsh skin reddish, because of these unshy eyes. Even though they took detour round back the road for a long time, the man and the woman would nod their heads because it wouldn't be too late. The woman bites on a small apple. The apple that finally returns to the woman through eternal recurrence, tastes like nostalgia.

The Road with Reasons

The Road with Reasons

Ahjin Shim

At last, Soo stopped his motorcycle near the Shell Tower in front of the police barricade. Never in his life had he felt more relieved to see the police. As he braked he thought, at least this way, I won’t die alone defenselessly. Probably due to lack of time, all the police had managed to mobilize were police cars. No sprinkler trucks or vehicles with 'wall' for crowd control. The motorcycle squealed violently, like the scream of a dying person, and Soo was thrown to the left side. The emergency lights, the sirens, and the noise from the bull horns turned the whole area into a mad frenzy. The Thing, which had been chasing Soo, froze. It halted all rolled up like a giant pinwheel candy.

The police were very tense in the face of this phenomenon, which they couldn’t even determine whether to be a man-made or a natural disaster. Two policemen approached, training guns at Soo, and handcuffed him. The crowd quickly gathered around and began taking pictures of Soo and the Thing with their smart phones. Even forgetting to protest against being handcuffed, Soo gazed at the Thing which had followed him for such a long distance. The peeled off pavement resembling a rolled up carpet, alongside the Cheonggye creek, towered behind the toppled motorcycle.

The news about Soo spread quickly throughout the nation via cell phones and the internet. The police departments of the South Gate, Jongno, and Hyehwa districts began a joint investigation. The starting point was around Kosanja Bridge. About 9 P.M. on Sunday, the pavement alongside the Cheonggye creek peeled off and rolled forward and followed Soo on his motorcycle. Soo came to realize what was happening as he was passing the Wang Shim Ri district.

“At first, I didn’t hear anything. The muffler of my motorcycle is terribly loud.”

Soo saw a few people rollerblading on the sidewalks near the poorly lit closed market area. He slowed down because he knew sometimes skateboarders or rollerblade riders spill out onto the road. That’s when he sensed something and turned around to see this huge millstone-like thing right behind him. Soo thought it was going to roll right over him so he sped up. But the Thing kept pace and scared the devil out of him. It was around the East Gate when he realized that the Thing moved at the same speed as he was traveling. Soo didn’t stop for fear that he might get flattened by the thing if he did.

“The odd thing was I was the only one on the road.”

Soo was still trembling as he remembered. When the police checked into it with CC TV, it was true. Granted it was Sunday night so traffic was light, during the 15 minutes or so when this incident took place, there was absolutely no west bound traffic on Cheonggye creek Road. There was, however, some east bound traffic and there were pedestrians here and there on the sidewalk. The police response was initiated by a call made by one of the witnesses from the sidewalk. The police made a few attempts to intercept Soo’s progress but failed until they eventually formed a blockade at the Sejong-daero Entrance area. Soo told the police that he, too, had tried to contact the police but had dropped his phone because he was too rattled. The police retrieved a broken cell phone near the rows of fish tanks in the closed market area. It was where Soo said he had dropped it.

Soo became even more anxious after losing his phone. While vacillating over whether to stop or not, he tore through the plastic barriers blocking cars for the Weekend Area. The Cheonggye creek near Gwangtong Bridge area turned into a chaotic mess. Many got hurt from bouncing rocks from the torn pavement. Fortunately, the rolled up pavement stayed on course, only following Soo.

Soo seemed a bit perturbed when he was asked why he didn’t think of veering off to one bridge among lots of bridges over the Cheonggye creek.

“If I had attempted to cross Nare Bridge or Soo Pyo Bridge, it would have collapsed due to the heavy weight of the Thing. I considered turning left too but there was oncoming traffic on opposite site. Anyway, the Thing was too close behind me.”

What Soo said made sense. The Thing was a colossal concrete mass, almost 50 meters in diameter so one couldn’t even begin to imagine how heavy it was.

The whole nation was abuzz over this unprecedented event. The police began looking into how many misdemeanor charges they could issue against Soo. However, none of the traffic monitoring cameras captured Soo ignoring the traffic lights or the speed limits. Even if he had violated those laws, considering the perilous circumstance he was in, they couldn’t accuse him of a major offense. The loud muffler, which had prevented him from hearing the noise of the road tearing off, when they measured it, it didn’t exceed 80 decibel points so they couldn’t charge him for a noise violation either. Could he have been riding recklessly since he failed to notice what was going on around him? Soo replied, “Who looks behind all the time while riding a motorcycle?”

Cheonggye creek Road, claimed to be the pride of Seoul and the oasis for the citizens, exposed its inner part like the flesh of a slaughtered carcass. People couldn’t believe that the ground could peel like the skin of a fruit. The buried underground steel rods and sewage tunnels had been exposed. The road from the Majang to Kwanghwa district was blocked off. Since the traffic had to be detoured, the major roads in the heart of Seoul suffered from severe congestion. Within a day, the merchants and the citizens in the affected area began complaining vociferously. The Ministry of Transportation and Construction, the Ministry of Land and Maritime Affairs, and other scientific institutes all launched researches on this so called “land mass” or “rock mass,” but beside the obvious fact that the land had rolled up, they couldn’t come up with any new findings.

The first group which raised its voice was the religious people. Taking this occurrence as the sign for what they had been waiting for, the imminent Judgment Day, they looked expectant. They claimed that Heaven no longer would tolerate the present situation in which people pursue development single-mindedly while forsaking humanity. Environmental organizations also chimed in. They accused the present government’s policy of constructing visually striking and impressive structures while ignoring their effects on ecology, causing this disaster to happen. They dressed in green and held a rally at the site of the incident. A group of young artists released a statement, inspired by the rolled up road, which reminded them of a snail’s shell. An organization which researched the history of Cheonggye creek demanded a special grant to study the hidden secrets of the region. A shaman organization asserted that the wrath of Queen Sinduk’s spirit, which had been hovering around Gwangtong Bridge, was the cause of this phenomenon and called for a nationwide sacrificial rite.

There was no shortage of people who wanted to have their say. Any individual or group which believed they had something to do with the event released their statements. Finally, the politicians entered the picture. The private indiscretions of the heads of the concerned ministries were exposed by the media and castigated. The ruling and the opposing parties claimed the other responsible for the incident. The overwhelming sentiment was that the established system should find someone to pay. But there were few who were weak and dopy enough to be a scapegoat.

Fingers began to point to Soo.

Although Soo was initially found not guilty and released, he was summoned back to the police station and the court for further interviews and investigation. Cheonggye creek and his name became the most searched words on the internet.

Age 28, residence in Majang District, an employee at a mannequin wholesale company in Shinpyeonghwa market, the place of birth…, hobby…, love interest…

Many of Soo’s acquaintances made comments about him on the internet. When the information about his penchant for visiting bookstores despite being just a humble market worker became known, many malicious bloggers built conspiracy theories. The consensus was that there was something fishy about Soo. His rental home became an issue. The area was traditionally known for a beef market. According to one theory, there were spots where the slaughtered cows’ grudge was concentrated and three of those spots happened to overlap at Soo’s house. Someone attempted to draw a connection to a spooky folklore tale from his hometown, The Talking Forest. Some cited the significance of Soo once touching the statue of Jun Taeil, an anti-government protester who died by self-immolation, located on the Willow Bridge. Another even advanced the theory that Soo was a North Korea sympathizer. Soo’s employer, the mannequin store owner, had a hard time fielding questions from the throng of reporters. One avant-garde artist, saying she suddenly became inspired about naked existence, stood up at Cheonggye Square disguised as a mannequin.

Soo’s everyday life was put under the microscope. He had worked as a clerk for a series of stores in the East Gate Market. He once worked for a shoe wholesale store, and also worked for a tool shop. He didn’t have professional expertise and worked in sales or delivery. Sometimes he stopped by a coffee shop there were hookers. Since he left his hometown at eighteen, he lived in rental homes in the Majang District and had worked for ten and some years but all he had was less than two million won in his Installment Savings Account for Home Buying. He once lent some money to some friends and never got it back. He was laid off by a tile store, where he had had the longest stint, without being paid for a few months worth of past due wages. His present life wasn’t much better than the one ten years ago. Nothing extraordinary had been detected in the way he lived his life. Soo’s life was so ordinary that it seemed almost unreal. Yet the investigation on Soo continued.

In the mean time, the colossal mass remained at Cheonggye Square. Some insisted that it should be cleaned up immediately and others asserted that it should be left there as a monument to this historic event. So, the future of the Thing was up in the air. Traffic conditions were still horrible and many citizens in the area complained more. The leadership ability of the authority was questioned and accusations about who was ruining the country circled around cyber space. Everyone was getting angrier and more frustrated.

One fact that was viewed as odd was that Soo had decided to go, of all places, to Kyobo Bookstore at that exact time by the Cheonggye creek Road. Soo’s explanation was quite simple. “They have many books there.” But that reason was much too simple to be accepted. Among the Soo accusers, one especially fervent one pulled out words from the list of books Soo had purchased and displayed: desire, admiration, wind, standstill, contradiction, new, opportunity, eternity…. Trials were held multiple times. Contrary to the first verdict which was not guilty, applying the Criminal Law articles 87 and 115, Soo was convicted of treason and sedition for committing an offense against the safety of the state. The public defender, who had assured Soo that he had a fighting chance, completely disappeared after the verdict.

Soo got incarcerated. He wondered if he was in jail because he had said the wrong thing. Instead of just saying, “They have many books,” he mighy have to add more like, “I went out for some fresh air.” Maybe, he thought, he visited the bookstore too often and that was the problem. But he didn’t say anything about the female clerk there whom he was secretly in love with. He didn’t want her picture uploaded on the internet.

Soo felt sad and gloomy. He couldn’t say that he ever had a great life but he did all he could. He couldn’t understand why this was happening to him. Why didn’t the Thing follow other motorcycles like Harley Davidsons? Why did it happen around Cheonggye creek instead of Han River? He hadn’t even enjoyed a leisurely date around the area.

He thought about that night. While being chased by the rolling pavement, he remembered looking up to see the crescent moon. Over the dark buildings which harbored tiring, loathsome daily struggles, there was the glint moon. While being under such a desperate circumstance why did he even look above? The sliver of the moon had felt unfamiliar and cold to him like the cold floor he was sitting on.

The moment Soo remembered the moon, which had resembled an eyebrow, strange things began to happen in various places in Seoul. The roads began to rip open and roll forward. From behind the motorcycle which was delivering fabric material, the ambulance which was taking a patient to the hospital, a sedan with the radio turned up way high, the pizza delivery motorcycle, the roads ripped open and rolled after them. Just like the way the outer layer of scallion peel when you slice them on end, the roads rolled up. The exact same duration as with Soo’s case on Cheonggye creek Road, many roads throughout the nation rolled up. Panic engulfed the entire nation. The people who had had so much to say and blame to assess when it happened to just one person, Soo, all became mum because they knew that the road they were walking on or driving on could suddenly roll up from behind.

It goes without saying, Soo declared not guilty and released.

God’s Way

 God’s Way

by Ahjin Shim

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was formless and empty; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.(Genesis 1:1-2)

Before the world was created, God had three friends; darkness, chaos, and void. God and His friends used to take silent walks to calm their agitated minds in complete darkness. The three friends were worried about God’s creation plan.

So black, completely spotless Darkness pleaded with God weeping, “Why are you doing this when no one is asking for it? I am completely satisfied with the way it is now.”

Darkness knew about God’s plan. God was going to create the light - his opposite, yet of the same ilk. Shaking his pitch black hair in anguish, Darkness appealed, “The light will mess everything up. It will try to reveal every bit of hidden noble secrets.”

God just patted Darkness’ back without saying a word. Darkness knew about the beginning of God’s plan but didn’t know about the ending. Darkness could feel, though, that God was agonizing over it as he was.

Temperamental Chaos pushed Darkness out of the way and stood next to God, bringing his discordant energy, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and insecurity.

“I am in favor of your plan. We will become immersed in the world you create and be able to observe how things develop there. I think it will be interesting.”

Chaos smiled sardonically. He understood how justice and injustice, good intentions and evil intentions, happiness and sadness, truth and false were pitted against each other. A tweak a fraction in each element could change the entire picture.

Suddenly, however, cynical Chaos realized how much he loved God. His confident demeanor gave way to a worried look.

“Why don’t you reconsider your plan? Isn’t it perfect already with three of us?”

God didn’t respond. Chaos saw determination in God’s eyes. There was nothing he could do. God wanted to create perfection in another way. No one could make Him change His mind since stubbornness was His essence. Chaos had to step away with a conflicted expression which encompassed aggression and hurt.

God waited for Void to come. Since Void was calm and steadfast, God was being patient.

Finally, as though he had been walking a road which had no beginning or the end, tired looking Void appeared.

“Why don’t you get rid of us before you create the world?”

God smiled weakly. Void already knew that his suggestion was useless but he stayed focused.

“Get rid of Darkness and Chaos then. I alone will be sufficient for the world.”

Void wanted to add, 'Or, Let Darkness and Chaos continue to exist and remove me', but he closed his mouth because he realized God already knew what he was going to say. Sorrowful and arid, inert time passed.

Finally, God commenced his project. God turned to look at His three friends and smiled. He looked confident that he could create a wonderful world which would be completely different from His three friends, yet, in some way, identical.

Some dull time elapsed. In a way, it was the appropriate amount of time. Now God comes and goes all around the world He created and the other which existed over it. As expected, Darkness, Chaos, and Void infiltrated every nook and cranny of the world like sugar melts into hot coffee. Darkness changed a little only in light and shade, Chaos had a slight transformation and Void just compressed purely used to appear in God's way.

“I think I became a bit whiter,” said Darkness.

“I haven’t done anything,” said Chaos.

“What’s the difference between before and after the creation?” asked Void.

God just smiled, remaining true to His essence, stubbornness.

Given birth to slapping in the face and…

Given birth to slapping in the face and…

By Ahjin Shim

On the nurse's face, when I appear making a sound, slap, the reception area of the hospital where was quite unsettled become quiet at once. Some peculiar homogeneity clears up the interior coolly. All the patients move their body slightly and look at the place which made the sound : The old man who had folded and unfolded the newspaper, the middle-aged woman who had huddled herself up like a lurking mouse, and the student who had fiddled his mobile phone with dead battery and so on. I am embarrassed a little by the silence over my prediction though I am not so shy originally. Moony barely spit only one word.

"…word"

I know what Moony wants to speak. Just because of that, Moony happens to encounter me all at once. On the left cheek of the nurse there remained the trace of mine. Her face had become terribly distorted by anger and frustration. Moony makes an effort to say something. But she's just rubbing her neck down as if the vocal cord of raising sound might be blocked with some cotton wool.

"What are you doing? Why have you done that to me? why?"

The nurse whose cheek is swollen reddishly loses her composure. Maybe too insulted my sudden attack was. Now her temperate manner having said crisply a few words like 4000Won[1], payment, prescription has disappeared. The voice appealing unfairness asks sympathy from somebody near, but there might be no one who can do something like comfort. The colleague who might have comradeship does not know the happening or might not be able to come out because she is in the doctor's consulting room. And the patients exhausted of their flu or enteritis seem not to be able to help her also. It's not clear that if the patients agree with the Moony's behavior or not, or that they just doesn't have any strength for their terrible sickness, but anyway they are seeing two people in a daze. They glance at the nurse's red cheek and Moony's more red cheek in turn.

Oh!

An Exclamation which might be too late flows out. But the obscure exclamation, like the self-consciousness which used to disappear quickly when it has not right response, is scattered in the air immediately. Moony has a depressed face as if she has lost all her brave spirit making herself burst out violently. The legs having trembled from last night continuously tremble more and more.

I think the reason why Moony has encountered me suddenly is the flu including the sore throat and the hot body ; she feels as if she's swallowing chips of wood when she just swallows saliva and as if she's been boiling down on a low gas light. In addition, there is the terrible headache out of control at all. If not the flu Moony who had kept an eye on my approach would never have been destructed at once. Moony was shocked by myself but frightened more by herself having been off the guard. I, rather tranquil, stare into the thing what I have made ; The aura which has worn and frayed out stranded.

Moony and I have been together in many days. When she was infantile, adolescent, and started to distinguish between the smell of decay and sweet, I have been with her all the time. But different with the free and easy way I treated her, she never felt familiar with me. All the time she looked at me with the half scared face and kept distance being ready to run away soon. Moony pretended not to know me though she knew me, and cast a pall with the attitude that definitely she's not so comfortable with pretending not to know me. So her action which she had done in the hospital today is a little revolution. It was the moment when the curve having flown smoothly fell down eternally to the incapable point of differentiation not to find the connected link any more. Even for a short moment, Moony looked at the world bravely which had been cut flatly or broken severly with the waist. Maybe Moony could not deal with the crucial time any more which had tried to put a brand her with a red-hot iron.

I met Moony for the first time in the period that is not possible to discern if her immaturity caused the loneliness or her loneliness caused the immaturity. Moony was the 7 year old kid who couldn't get well with her peer group. Moony was alone all the time as if she nitpicked something or was sulky for something unlike the other kids playing together. The kids who had not known the delight yet from bullying someone used to look at Moony apart from them only when they were specially bored. No one tried to invite her diligently. Moony used to wander around through trees much more than people with a new bundle of rubber band which had not any accident to be cut off yet. In every April, Moony's village used to be filled with the cherry blossoms billowing like cumulus. But the flower, unfortunately, was gone so quickly. The teeth and lips of the village kids used to be colored black for the cherries ; they seemed to be ripen very soon as if in compensation for the gone flowers.

On the middle of the uphill road of the village there was a guard post of the Marine Corps. Moony often looked at the guard post while sitting crouched her body and playing with a few pebbles in the corner of the road. It was because of the solider on sentry with a glossy military cap. The drooping epaulet on his shoulders and the glittering badges on his chest looked gorgeous. Moony spent half of the day drawing the stars, arrows, rectangles and others on his body. The solider who might not move at all sometimes yawned and sighed looking at the sky. Following him Moony yawned and sighed looking at the sky occasionally. The shadows of Moony and small pebbles were getting shorter and shorter.

A few days passed. At the time when the sun moves and shadows shorten as same as the other day, Moony sprang up suddenly and approached to the solider.

Solider, growing sounds in my stomach.

The baby faced young man looked at Moony in surprise.

Please pick me some cherries. You are tall.

There were lots of cherry blossoms around them. There were various curved trees lined up following the uphill and downhill road of the guard post. The sweet fragrance from the cherries was filled with the area. But the solider had no response to her. Moony started to jump up to the branch, though impossible to be reached by herself, shouting ya, ya. Being proud of her own braveness but also very shy, her face became black-red like well ripe cherries.

For a while, the soldier looked at her jumping. The birds hidden their body through the branches moved to other branches not so far, as they felt irritated at the little girl. It is getting hot, so the beads of sweat stood on Moony's brow. Finally the solider moved his hands. He took off the gloves to be bare hands.

Are these enough?

Moony came close to the young man and counted the fruits on his hands, watching the incomprehensible symbols on his chest and waist from the corner of hers.

It's just eight!

After looking around carefully, the solider stretched to the branches here and there. But the fruits too ripe burst out as soon as his hands touched them and the fruits less ripe had thrown away by Moony's firm rule. It was not easy to gather the fruits soft and sweet adequately. On the face of the soldier who had no expression before, there appeared a smile. Finally, cherries were piled up on her little hands.

Wow, many!

When Moony admired, suddenly there sounded slapping. Of course the being there was me. Having Looked at two in great fear, I was feeling the soldier's boss came up to us. Because the captain was fuming it was clear that the young man would get a scolding from him. But I couldn't warn either little Moony or the soldier of that situation. In fact the persons who called me confidentially were Moony and the soldier not the captain. I blamed myself for having no power but I was not too ignorant not to know that it's not my fault.

In fact they could get out of me with right cautiousness but they didn't. Maybe because they were concentrating on the cherries so much and enjoying the sunshine so furiously. I just had looked at them, being with them, that one second after one second lying in a modesty way. The captain aimed correctly at the cheek on the soldier's face. I was stamped on the young man's cheek legibly ; That mark which make you frighten because it is me and the trace which you spit on because it has no other evidence that it was not me.

What are you doing on your guard?

The boss' military boot hit the soldier's shin continuously. Moony started to run grabbing the cherries awkwardly with her weak hands. In spite of losing the track of things, the tenacious mind not to miss the cherries ran with her together. Even only 7 year old girl she could know what might be the mind boggling. Moony turned the corner where she had peeked at the soldier and hid herself. She heard the sound leaping fiercely and crucially, and the impotent moaning of the soldier. The young girl felt like her cheek hurt. As she squeezed her little hands the cherries started to be chapped. The black and red juice rolled down her fingers and soaked her clothes and the land. The buzzing bird was quiet suddenly and only the snapping sound echoed around unrealistically. She was too scared to cry. She was angry that she couldn't rescue the soldier although she must do.

Moony still grabbing the grounds of fruits prayed that all these things would pass through, or the thing would not have happened at all at the first time ; and most of all, it might not be for her fault. Before Moony was born the cherry blossom had stretched out their branches, fluttered the floral leaves and fumed the fragrances for sure. Moony never commanded or asked them to do so or to be like that. Never ever.

Young Moony couldn't understand. She had no idea that why I appeared in that moment and why the soldier who just had taken the cherries was treated less than the weak cherries. On the eyes with no discretion there looked the soldier who had fallen down to go to pie with me. Moony couldn't bear out anymore so she ran to her house with all speed. Now she left all her precious owns without two dirty hands. 7 year old kid ran after ran feeling a handful world of cherries not so sweet.

The nurse getting angrier and angrier pushes Moony on her shoulder.

Why did you do that?

The nurse never uses the honorific[2]. Moony's legs tremble more as if they are connected with a vacuum cleaner. The burning head seems to be cut to blow out completely and the ears have syrigmus continuously. Moony tries to make sound ; must say that it is because the nurse has talked down to the patients who are sick and distressed and also old enough. She must complain that nobody including the nurse, the doctor and any person in that hospital didn't explain kindly why she is so sick and when she will get better. But Moony just says only one word.

"…word."

A boy who has interest in the struggle thing between adults comes to and stare at them in the faces. The buff runny nose with high viscosity comes in and out of his nose and mouth. The blear eyes of the kid fixes at the nurse and Moony one another. Moony, if possible, wants to wrap her red face to put in the pocket of her jacket.

I am mixing the bashfulness, humiliation, hatred and etc. appropriately in appropriate area between Moony and the nurse. Even though it is just childish thing, if covered well it occasionally looks holly anger. Despite only the same thing with the disillusionment it can be the paradox pretending elegant. I do my work calmly not to reveal my feelings. I also change misunderstanding with understanding, real reason with fake excuse, and irresponsible improvisation with inevitable necessity. Moony who has sworn not to be under control of me is now swayed so much as being useless her pledge.

The nurse seems to think Moony is insulting her more not by answering anything. The nurse having been slapped is now triumphant like the person who has slapped other, and Moony who really has now dispirited like a prisoner. In fact putting the cart before the horse is common where I am. The self-esteem becomes the same amount of inferiority and the sweeping power becomes just trivial bravado.

I like wandering bluffing I can do everything but becoming nothing. Of course it doesn't mean that I can choose whatever I like. Maybe I choose the stage enjoyable for a while because I can't decide anything at all. I must do what is to be done by myself so maybe I just cover up the obligate grief saying 'I like it'. Soaked in a feeling of helplessness, I lie long between Moony and the nurse. Anyway Moony might not be able to avoid this moment. If not today, it would be tomorrow or this year ; she may happen to be faced with me in a certain day for sure. I really hope that she could understand me ; finally me, the one who has nothing to do without biting my nails in an inevitable point and cannot resist the slander resistance almost as little as a toothpick.

Moony has become a practical person for that one experience. Though she was in the period of adolescence she did not make any things to happen to meet me. She lurked and escaped thinking that it would be terrible if the things mysterious or dramatic touch her. And she insisted not to be out of the way she could walk modestly and neatly. Moony behaviored shrewdly that she would escape not because she was afraid of me but just because I was dirty. She regarded that I could not exist as long as she thought like that, and she looked to convince that she could treat me as non-existed one though I existed in fact. So she would passed away pushing me on my shoulder or kicked me like a burdensome straw mat. For me, it was hurt on my pride and quite embarrassed situation. But I who doesn't have anything except the persistence did not shrink. Because in spite of any delay, any concealment and any kinds of indignities, I definitely reveal myself to find the right place I must be. With the proper weight, trivial but not too insignificant, I would carefully circle around Moony.

Finally 14 year old Moony happened to put me between her best friend and herself. Of course she could not aware me perfectly. I was wrapping around her like thick fog. The fog prevents to see something far away but allows to see something near well enough. So I who were not so clear but sure to be there became more threatening one than the one to be seen clearly. Moony would tremble with fear whenever she sensed my eyes.

Moony was not so ignorant that the guy with whom her friend had fallen in love liked her. But She regarded herself innocent because she didn't make him by herself. She didn't mind if the guy would fuss over her or the friend would be on the jig. Despite I was seen through the fog, Moony just thought that the problem must be solved between her friend and the guy.

Maybe Moony thought doing nothing would be helpful for her friend. It was because that the old happening had pressed her youth too heavily ; the soldier was hit like a beast because she approached to him. Moony regarded turning her face away as the best way she could. But just for that the guy became more anxious for her and the friend attributed that to Moony.

And finally I appeared the most right moment. The friend who was the leader of the class was lining the classmates up. Moony treated the friend's effort to set up as not so serious and was absorbed in chatting other classmates. Moony knew what the friend wanted really but that's not what she could give her. She was angry at the weakness and servileness of her friend. Like the incompetent soldier the friend was stupid also. But on the one hand Moony didn't want to lose her best friend. When the friend pulled the sleeves of her she intended to be crooked just a little more. She just wanted to give a slight warning to her friend feeling mistreated. But she was ignoring my power who can make the friendship of teenaged girls with nothing. She tried to push back the possibility that I, condensed for a long time, could jump out in that point ; with the bluff saying 'It can't be!'.

The friend pulled her once more. 'I got it , I got it.' Because Moony tried not to face on her friend, she couldn't see me totally ready to burst out. The friend pulled Moony on the arm hitchily. The nail of Moony who just intended to shake off her friend scratched on her bare skin. At that elaborate moment I stretched my body long from the palm of the friend to Moony's face ; Maybe from Moony's face to the palm of the friend. For the short time being, the fog surrounded us was taken off at all. There were the merciless sound like the roaring of experienced whip. Both of them were frightened. The friend was shocked because she met me for the first time and Moony was dazed because she couldn't understand why she got tangled up with me again.

How accurately the friend aimed, I stack to the cheek of Moony without any failing precision. Moony was knocked out helplessly like a profligate prodigal. She bent not only her neck but also her whole body.

Among the high blue sky and wide green field there was me. Because all the girls looked at me, I was lonely in a flurry. But I endured the cheeky time revealing me naked like the Jesus hung over the Cross. To endure was the only thing I can do well so I didn't even feel shy. The eyes of Moony and mine met. She stared at me with resentful eyes for a while and then trampled on me strongly. It was unbelievable power. There sounded the joints were broken. But I had done my work, and nobody couldn't turn back the work. Saying it's not my fault, a little, I shed tears. Anyway the friendship was destroyed like the clay too dried and broken severely.

On the eyes of Moony who was looking at me limping and weeping, self-deprecating smile added with self-pity spreaded. She was disappointed with the trivial things she once had but could be lost in any time. In addition she despised me who never let them be there. I, wanted to explain that all these things were not my intention at all and I could be a victim as well, was sorry not to be able to explain it. I was humble for ferocious Moony and somewhat became a vulgar thing. Feeling vain, I wanted to disappear as I was, but that was not also allowed me to do. Because different with the scolding look outwardly, she was grasping me firmly. Though she didn't know me well and didn't like me, she didn't try to let me go. Though she didn't admit the fact that she grasping me, she never gave any way for me to leave. Yes! Eventually I was a being who couldn't be separated with Moony.

There is me when people want to protect themselves. But there is also me when they can't do. When they don't want to accept they are shameful, when they don't have anyone scolding evidently, and also when they never wanted to be caught their petty comparing, there is always me. So I would rush out cajolingly with my own form unlike kicking or punching. I often act cowardly contrary to the pure violence. When I am not sure if it is right or not for me being there, I also try all sorts of tricks to win favor laughing at or mourning. I would become a cause not an effect, and also be meddlesome here and there. Further more I move not only from hands to cheeks but also from cheeks to hands, and head to a origin going back the time and skipping the space. I gladly become a clown who skips rope with his own intestines cut out. I become a Saturn who has eaten his kids crying and laughing. Among the self-hatred and the grief spreaded to the end of cosmos, I become weak just for a while and become strong forever. Thus at the acute point where the torch is lighting splendidly and the darkness is condensed densely, at the very point where can't be thought of any other possibilities, I hold my breath and would be tense. So long as the tension continue, I am always alive.

A doctor, a nurse, and a patient who have finished examination come out of the doctor's office. Moony puts her credit card which has still been there into the wallet hardly and zips the zipper of her padding jacket. Feeling cold, the trembling from the legs come up the whole body. The doctor politely asks with honorific words.

"What happened?[3]"

That's right. The people must use honorrific like that. Moony glares at the nurse who has talked down all the time. Prescription, Sign, Here. Moony wants to say that she felt a sense of outrage for the nurse's rude manner, no, rather felt the hatred to kill her. She wants to ask if it's right to rule over the sick and depressed patients. She thinks that she must make thousands of reasons not to be able to avoid meeting me. She wants to keep excuse that she has just no power. But her whole organs connected to her lips don't function as they are sticked by a high heat. The voice must be lost its way under the deep part of the neck.

Not getting any answer from Moony, the doctor pushes the nurse with strict face.

"What happened, Ms Kim?"

Seemingly been waiting for that question, the nurse starts to explain the situation. But the only occasion she can explain is to say that 'When I just gave the card reader to her, suddenly I was slapped.' Because Moony doesn't say anything, the voice of the nurse is getting louder. Strange patient. The reason. Suddenly. Unfair. The meaning I have had originally is getting more little and poorer. I become a piece of whopping violence. Being pitiful, Moony is getting agreeable to the nurse's excuse bit by bit. That's right, I don't need to do that. Moony can't understand herself who could understand the position of the nurse. In fact she is just fed up with the thickness of the understanding which settled down between the layers of form and content rather than understanding itself. Moony crouches getting smaller and smaller. Her timid understanding thing wants to hide perfectly shrinking inside rather than to stretch outside taking the risk. She thinks it might be possible to disregard me easily and to dignify as she has never met me before. She even thinks that, if she treats me as just irritation or sensitiveness and makes an apology to the nurse, she can live peacefully as she never have any chance to meet me. Moony is as much obstinate as me and is pathetically weak.

But she will know the fact soon ; I am not the timid ruffian at all appearing and disappearing in anywhere like this alley or that alley. Aside from my compassion, I just turn up at the place I must be, at the time being determined. I might be similar with the inevitability. I am the faithful companion who doesn't leave at all in the contradictory world where someone wants to live through. So I can't leave Moony at all and Moony won't let me go off either. She can't do that.

But She is still looking at just a strand of hair or a piece of shoelace of mine. She doesn't make out that a cheek or a hand is not much more than trifling agnail and that a kind of neurosis or seriousness are just a part of reason. For aught I care. Anyway I am still beside Moony, and now that is most important.

After Moony broke up with the friend she was in despair because of the fact that she finally ran into me again despite all the efforts not to do anything. She believed that she'd lost the soldier and the friend because of me. Moony got depressed more and lost confidence more. She was suppressed by the force of the indifferent days which move by itself without considering her doing something or nothing. Moony became a dry high school student who might not be seen alive. It was only me to whom she showed a firm attitude. She never admitted that I was not out of existence though she ignored me like before.

But she had to encounter me again through necessity. Because she had got to like her history teacher. The thing that a high school girl likes her teacher has no connection with my existence or not, with being aware of me or not. It‘s not possible to be prohibited no matter how careful or pressing. Moony became a premature girl who never thinks of her love as a calf love. She almost seemed to forget me.

To attract the teacher's attention more, Moony became a class representative. She waited for the history class as much as those aged girls who had voracious appetites waited for the lunch time. The reason why she didn't choose natural science was to see the history teacher continuously. There came out a synergy which would happen between the teacher Moony loved and the subject the teacher took charge. She memorized the differences of the land system between the paternal acres and direct acres in Joseon Dynasty one after another and arranged all detailed regulations of tax loss law not to be found even in a textbook. She had an illusion that she's catching the deep part of the teacher's spirit secretly while studying history minutely. Whenever she gathered all homeworks of her class to bring the teacher and stood close to him she was puzzled with happiness.

The time she looked forward to most was when she commanded 'attention!' and 'bow!' standing up to the teacher's eye[4]. Because she felt that only the two, the teacher and herself, might exist over the sitting classmates. In a short time they exchanged greetings Moony believed that she was united with the teacher.

That was the reason. Moony, that day, couldn't say 'attention' looking at the teacher's face for her heart was beating too much. Although she stood up, the lips weren't open for the failure of emotion control. The love for the teacher bloated outrageously like teenagers' ridiculously voluptuous bodies. Being standing absentmindedly, after the classmates burst into laughter, she barely say 'attention'. She couldn't pronounce the next word 'bow' afraid of crying out. The teacher who didn't know the girl's love toward himself made a quizzical glance at her. Moony tried to 'attention' once more. A high-pitched voice like soprano came out. The friends who had known Moony's love laughed aloud more clapping their hands. The teacher erected the attendance book straightly and leaned over to it. Seeing that, Moony's heart jumped down again. The burning face seemed to be cut off from the neck in a moment and to fly away like a balloon. She tried to make sound again. But she couldn't say 'bow' to the end. The teacher commanded 'attention and bow' instead of Moony. All the girls greeted with loud voice. Moony couldn't bear out the situation. She was angry with herself showen a stupid appearance to the teacher. To Moony, still standing, the teacher said 'enough' and asked to sit down. All of the students broke into loud and uncontrolled laughter again but Moony couldn't sit down somehow. Like the idiot lady in a legend who became a rock turning back her face, Moony couldn't move her legs already hardened. Now the teacher's face became strict. He said once again, 'Sit down'. The friends didn't laugh any more. The teacher looked at Moony unpleasantly who was chewing some hair fallen down on her face. Any of the friends who had laughed didn't explain her condition.

No, they already couldn't do such. Cause I was not that kind of thing be undone at all. Almost anybody can't predict and control me who don't allow the interference to go on my way. I catched my breath occupying the place naughtily. Moony was cursing her legs impossible to be bent and the teacher was despising his body which might to move as its will. But both of them can't help escaping me drunken by the scent of tender skins from the high school girls. I was fully ready predicting that the teacher's misunderstanding and the girl's passion would conflict. The teacher who looked regretful over his life came closer to Moony and ordered sitting down once more ; now he's just a teacher but could have pursued more for another dream. Moony turned back her victimized face to the teacher in order to explain why she couldn't sit down. The teacher who accepted her resentment as insolence commanded sitting down once more as it was the last chance. But he had already reached at the station impossible to turn his face away from me. Such things like revival teaching, tiredness in night prep, a peanut salary and the delayed bills were located in the wrinkles of his forehead deeply. I, having taken a deep breath, stood courteously by him. Of course I didn't feel no sympathy with Moony but I didn't have any power as usual. The girls face suffused with tears and filled with sorrow finally made him exploded. The layers of day life and dream thickened with dust were cracking all together.

Moony was hit on the part where couldn't be named correctly as the head or cheek. Caught a glimpse, it looked a little harsh clout with his knuckles but that was definitely me there. The boundary was scattered cunningly but both of them, one hit and the other was hit, weren't ignorant that it was connected with me to be exact. As soon as I took my place between two, their stance was changed at once. The teacher became petrified and the student was daring. I came and went between the two lightly like a water stride which can slide the surface of the water without getting wet. The impatient teacher tried to let her sit down forcibly grasping her shoulders. But right after the moment the teacher and I tangled up unexpectedly. Soon the scream of Moony was followed and on the teacher's cheek there remained my print which Moony could never contempt enough.

It was the instant I, as the one who would wander around Moony for the whole life, couldn't anticipate at all. Anyway I was exited for Moony who accepted me of her own and bubbled for the fresh experience not so often. My trace at that moment was quite powerful though not so beautiful and passionate though not mature. Moony who started to regret in no time lost her mind imprecating herself but I felt extremely great for the fact that she acknowledged me. I, having hidden a little amount of shame, was delighted magnanimously. Somehow, I felt that I could have a wish for even what I had never wanted before after the moment.

The teacher who had lived longer than her returned to himself earlier than her. Blushing up to the root of his hair, he didn't try to let her sit down forcibly any more. He looked more ashamed at the relationship with me than the relationship between Moony and me. He seemed to quit scolding her. He indicated for the students to study on their own and left the classroom in a hurry.

Moony looked grief-sticken. She who had to plead but couldn't say a word at all had such a look wanting to be killed soon on her face. In the blink of an eye she showed a defensive attitude to me. She became callous as she never wanted to be close to the thing like me even in an instant. Although I was never depressed for any occasion, I couldn't help being hurt a little for the pleased mind right before. I started to do something mean separate with the mind to wish to comfort her. My laughing sound which was not too much nor little for reminding her that she wasn't in any position to push me stimulated her stomach wall. Moony started to keck as to vomit holing onto her stomach. The classroom in the sweltering summer day was quiet too much. While it didn't sound any noise of cicadas usually common in summer, there came out just a very little volume of exclamation. Oh!

The doctor makes an apology to Moony with tender voice. But because of the deafened condition feeling that she gets water into her ears, his voice seems to hear from far away distance.

"I don't know what you feel bad, but please remit your anger."

If there is not much more than this, maybe Moony just turns back and leaves the hospital. It is most natural to step back because she is essentially timid and gets tired of all things for sickness. But the next reference of the doctor makes her become stubborn once again.

"Our nurse's never got into trouble with a patient so far…."

That reference included the meaning that the nurse has common-sense but Moony doesn't and suggested the condemnation that Moony caused trouble in fact with her odd behavior. Moony recalls all the moments when she must run into me, from the childhood wanted cherries to this time in hospital. They always do like this. Pretending to yield but in fact they look down on, and to do politely but regard as nothing more than dust. Moony tries to squeeze her whole body to speak out something. She simply can't stop as it is. Maybe she won't. She must go surely to the point been scheduled, as long as I am here. It won't be over without arriving at a dead end where has nothing more than somewhat hideous. With frantic efforts, she pulls out the cotton ball which blocked the vocal code.

"So has she talked down to any patients here?"

At last the words burst out.

"In this situation the flu is killing me, I came here for medical treatment paying with my own money, but why am I treated as the one less than the garbage rolling down the street?"

Moony who starts to plead at last, but in a fever, cannot know well what she's saying. She can make neither head nor tail if she speaks logically or reveals sufficient reason. The smell of alcohol specific to a hospital and the fragrance from the patients who might spout kinds of germs makes Moony feel dizzy. Moony yells.

"Why do you talk down to anybody? Why do you harass me who did nothing!"

Moony accurately talks down to the nurse who talked down to her. All the patients would know that the temperamental nurse made them displeased cutting off the rear part of the word. The nurse must have responsibility for everything such as the tedious waiting time, the head in fever, crazy painful ears, and sore neck as to be torn soon, etc. Moony lists such things repeatedly in her head as she memorizes them. The nurse is a bad person. Absolutely bad.

But Moony, in fact, knows more than anyone that the talking down doesn't matter. She knows that talking down is neither the personality of the nurse nor the reason of blame though it is the personality. But there was potentiating me of whom Moony or nobody was aware. I, already been there, couldn't go any other place. Moony was the same. Like the childhood, she just ran the way impossible to be turned back. She makes logic-chopping reason with all her soul and might. This woman treated a patient impolitely! But the other patients sit down blankly as they haven't treated such. They are quiet as if they think that the nurse has talked down only to Moony and if that there might be some reasonable reason. Moony thinks the patients are annoying and the doctor and the nurse are really hand in glove with them. She wants to abuse all of them in hospital. The people who are sick and weak never stand together. Always fatuously, they just place themselves at disposal opening their mouth. It is all for them. It means that she wants to just say it ridiculous in the ridiculous situation even if getting me involved. Moony builds a castle of words so stubborn ; because of that, the castle of meaning becomes more shabbier. The doctor whose face looks being plagued to death manages to comfort her .

"Dear, Calm down please. Nurse Kim, make an apology to her. There are also other patients."

The nurse looks dumbfounded.

"That is not…"

"What's that is not? Apologize to me first, apologize!"

Moony can't bear out the headache. If the fever continues more, her head might catch fire like a match.

"Doctor, that's not….'

The nurse is about to cry. Moony looks at the nurse not admitting her fault, and then suddenly turns her face and glares at me ; I, curled up, have been intriguingly observing the struggle between Moony and the other people. I don't avoid her eyes. Ultimately she might be pleased to see me do active work under pretense of sickness. I smile at her awkwardly. She hopes to believe that she's right.

Moony feels her body trembling excruciatingly not to stand any more. The headache goes to extremes as her head has been mashed by big hammer. All Blood vessels and cells might be popped. When the trembling legs, the throbbing head and the muscles with no power meet at a point to stop, Moony collapsed. For the very short time she's fainting, she thinks that she has heard somebody's scream but it might not be her own. Mostly as such is the end of place occupied by me, soon it becomes quiet and meaningless.

She barely graduated the high school. It was unbearably painful to see the teacher's face more. It was such suffering as swallowing the mouthful vomit back. Moony scotched the recollection to endure. She tried to forget all, the tall soldier, the friend, the teacher, and so on. Most of all she was afraid of me to reveal myself with her memories, so she removed them with desperate efforts. It wasn't easy, but she could live only with ignoring me as if I weren't there. Like that,

She has lived. When she had to tolerate her boy friend who loved several women, suffered a side blow in a fight between the bosses in her workplace, and must follow reluctantly the ethics having been indistinct at first, she tried hard not to encounter me again. To prevent getting a surprise attack from me, she carefully looked around and did her best honestly. Maybe if not so sick, if not in such a fever having boggled her mind, Moony could have kept distance from me for more while. In the condition not to look at me correctly and completely, she might be able to live the life as not to live.

When Moony wakes up, she finds herself getting an IV lying on a cot. Very soon, she recalls that she's fallen down screaming in the faces of the doctor and the nurse and is at loss what to do. It's dark outside. There might be the sunset already. she was overcome by fear for the thought of being alone in an unfamiliar hospital. She wants to go out but she can't pull out the injection needle on her arm. Moony calls someone with a little voice.

"There…."

Making the voice which doesn't name one really but must be a kind of calling, Moony, as by magic, feels better. First she can recognize her throat which had difficulty even to swallow the spit subsides. The fever is brought under too. Her body doesn't shake any more and the headache also has disappeared. She hasn't known before how powerful the IV is. Moony reminds me seeing the transparent vinyl pouch. She's so shameful about having wallowed in mud with me.

When she tries to recognize the situation seeing the pouch being deflated and the injection needle on her arm one after the other, the nurse called as nurse Kim came in.

"How do you feel?"

She doesn't talk down any more. Moony can't find any words to answer her so just moves her lips a little and sits up. Because after she feels better and has slept well, she's taken an optimistic mood. She desires to come back to the previous Moony who tried to just turn away from me.

She doesn't become aware of me putting around her shoulders gently. I feel sorry for her not to accept that I have been with her from a long time ago and also will always be with her. I wear my way being reached to the remote eternity over her like a muffler. If Moony approves me or not I will come with her forever. I might have to do that.

The nurse removes the pouch and the needle. Moony is ashamed of the fact that there had been me between the nurse and herself. She thinks that all is caused by me who has born malice and corner her rudely. Moony never try to understand me repeating and continuing over and over. I am vexatious a little.

"You have slept for about 4 hours."

The nurse says softly but still looked sulky. Moony stands up removing a blanket. She's in good condition incredibly.

"There…. Last happening…."

Moony tries to say about me but quits to. If she says sorry or says it's just a mistake about such a fierce feeling, all the things might be excessively light. She wants to explain that she's not so rash to rely on me. She wants to make clear that she's neither grumpy nor haughty. But she forgives up very soon recognizing that she can't keep excuse. Cause she does know how difficult it is to deliver the feeling. The left cheek of the nurse still swollen is stuck in the eyes of Moony like a thorn. Moony who's never known her power so strong is overcome with sense of shame.

The nurse who has still a glum face responds to her as she feels stuffy.

"I know. It's because your middle-ear infection is serious. I've administered antibiotic. And I've got the medicine instead of you, so you will get better after taking it.

"What?"

Moony can't understand easily the nurse's explanation.

"It's not because I have talked down but your condition has not quite good. Of course there was also the reason that I couldn't pronounce well for my wisdom tooth."

The nurse looks at Moony with distorted face as is the evidence of toothache. Come to think of it, the nurse's left cheek is too swollen to be that by slapping. Moony grabs me suddenly who's been hovering around. Her thin and damp hand is strangling me. I am not so pleased that she, who might not recognize me well before, catches me correctly. I have been defenceless.

I wish to appeal not to be able to breathe. But Moony makes me say no word with strengthening her grip. How strong she is, I can't move at all though I have to say I am also quite tired ; tired to chase her already having been in my way ever since she was 7 years old. I have lots of things to tell her about the soldier, her friend, the teacher, and all other happenings. If she wants, I can explain all. As often as the things are, on a way of accident which makes anything worthless and on a way of inevitability where the excuses and crudities are rampant, I just have seen myself evolve newly by newly. I only gave birth to me and that 'me' gave birth to another 'me', and there are just giving birth to and giving birth to for ever. About the foggy ways that are a little different but almost same, and also almost same but a little different, I have lots of stories to be able to tell.

But now, Moony doesn't want to listen. She still wants to keep distance from me for sure ; me, stupefied like the encyclopedia which has all knowledge but actually doesn't know itself, never minded taking the worst trivial gesture in order to destruct myself, and often ridiculous for absorbing only what I wish to absorb. Being flustered, Moony puts on her jumper quickly and then nods slightly to the nurse. She hurried out of the hospital so as not to see the nurse's swollen cheek by a wisdom tooth again. Now she expels me far away. Even if she has known me a little she gets still obstinate. Massaging my neck squeezed by Moony, I keeps up with her frantically. She runs away from me taking her steps quickly. There is a relevant gap between the chaser and the fugitive. I tell my story with a loud voice for Moony to hear. The story about me which might be a little light but can't be over easily at all!

---

[1] approximately 3 Euro

[2] In korea, we use honorific words to unfamiliar and old person to show respect. Talking down in the informal form is very rude. And the honorific syllables always come at the end of the words.

[3] The doctor used honorific words but it's the same when translated in English.

[4] Even a few years ago the students must do greetings to teachers by the verbal order from a class representative standing up alone.